2008 Woodie Awards
Predictions for Fall 2007
Emily Kahm
Issue date: 5/6/07 Section: Entertainment
As we approach the end of spring semester 2007, we students must look forward to the coming year and all it brings with it (after a three-month purging and cleansing cycle to be performed at home). Now we all know that there are certain things about our illustrious university that may warrant change-and I know we will not be remiss in expecting certain adjustments to occur before we all come back. So here they are, the predictions for fall semester 2007, which we have absolutely no doubt will be completed in our absence over the summer:
1). Xavier-Loyola Hall will finally be torn down.
Some might say that mold covered ceilings, partially biodegraded tiles and bathroom sinks from the Triassic period create a homey feeling in XL. This reporter would venture to say that most students would not say any such thing. XL is actually a long standing battle ground with Physical Plant, Computer Services, and Residence Life waging war against the building itself. But we shall not admit defeat-nay, we will instead destroy all evidence that reclamation was ever attempted. XL hall must be brought to its knees (or at least its foundations) and with its decimation the Rockhurst community will finally feel the thrill of victory.
2). A campus-encircling perimeter gate will be erected for the safety of all.
And this won't just be any gate. Twenty feet high at least, and three feet thick, with ridiculous amounts of barbed wire wrapped around any bare concrete. There will also be turrets at every entry point, with Campus Security now taking shifts manning the machine guns, aiming at every car, man, woman, and squirrel who dares approach the gate until they have been proven non-threatening. And if some small birds and dogs are gunned down "just to be on the safe side," no one on campus will mind. The carcasses are on the other side of the fence. The city will clean them up.
3). Fr. Curran, backed up by a small army of Jesuits, will attempt exorcism on McGee.
1). Xavier-Loyola Hall will finally be torn down.
Some might say that mold covered ceilings, partially biodegraded tiles and bathroom sinks from the Triassic period create a homey feeling in XL. This reporter would venture to say that most students would not say any such thing. XL is actually a long standing battle ground with Physical Plant, Computer Services, and Residence Life waging war against the building itself. But we shall not admit defeat-nay, we will instead destroy all evidence that reclamation was ever attempted. XL hall must be brought to its knees (or at least its foundations) and with its decimation the Rockhurst community will finally feel the thrill of victory.
2). A campus-encircling perimeter gate will be erected for the safety of all.
And this won't just be any gate. Twenty feet high at least, and three feet thick, with ridiculous amounts of barbed wire wrapped around any bare concrete. There will also be turrets at every entry point, with Campus Security now taking shifts manning the machine guns, aiming at every car, man, woman, and squirrel who dares approach the gate until they have been proven non-threatening. And if some small birds and dogs are gunned down "just to be on the safe side," no one on campus will mind. The carcasses are on the other side of the fence. The city will clean them up.
3). Fr. Curran, backed up by a small army of Jesuits, will attempt exorcism on McGee.
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