2008 Woodie Awards
Harmonious Horoscopes
Putting you in tune with a better rhythm of life
Casey Casem
Issue date: 4/1/08 Section: Entertainment
**note: this story is fictional and for entertainment purposes only. any names and/or quotes are false, even if the person may be real. all plot sequences were made up. enjoy**
Aquarius, This is a call. Good grief, everyone can see you exhausted and low. You’re always up in arms, and frankly, people are tired of you. Stop playing that disenchanted lullaby. Stop letting others get the best of you. It’s times like these to let it die. Yes, there’s no way back so it’s time to burn away all the cold days in the sun. Find yourself enough space to breakout. You are no pretender. It’s a long road to ruin, but the true friends of a friend will come walking after you. But honestly, everything is on the mend. Resolve some old monkey wrenches and learn to fly. Come alive once and for all. Hey, stranger things have happened. It’s been long, so everlong….
Pisces, Something’s missing. You need clarity. There’s no such thing as split screen sadness. Don’t wait until tomorrow, stop waiting for the world to change. Just get comfortable – good love is on the way.
Aries, Ok, we understand there have been good times and bad times. Yes, you have occasionally been dazed and confused. Your time is gonna come. when the levee breaks you will find your celebration day with friends. So enjoy a tangerine – that’s the way – and ramble on down by the seaside.
Taurus, Yes, you’ve been a victim of love. You see it all as wasted time. Just remember, they’ll always be a new kid in town. Get over it. Take it easy, your desperado is checked into the Hotel California. So, enjoy that peaceful, easy feeling. Remember, in the long run, love will keep us alive.
Gemini, You may think you’re the luckiest, but really, we are. We have you to thank for everything – carrying Cathy, losing Lisa and giving Judy our notice. It’s fair to say you are selfless, cold and composed. The battle of who could care less has evaporated. Don’t change your plans. Remember, your most valuable possession is Kate. or Gracie, or Julianna, or Zac and Sarah, or Alice Childress, or Emaline, or Tom and Mary and of course, Dick Holster. Wow, you know how to rock the suburbs.
Cancer, Sometimes you drive me crazy, but from the bottom of my broken heart, I think I’m lucky to have you. Oops…I did it again. I’m a slave for you, and the worst part is, I’m not a girl, not yet a woman. You are toxic, but I am stronger. So for old times sake, baby one more time….
Leo, Yes, the times they are a changin’. Everything is broken, and you ain’t goin nowhere because of the hurricane and buckets of rain falling. Turn to others to provide shelter from the storm. It’s not dark yet. All it takes is a simple twist of fate to free you from the subterranean blues. Don’t think twice, it’s alright. The answer’s blowin in the wind.
Virgo, It’s been rough lately. You stand on a bridge over troubled water. The sound of silence is deafening. Instead of finding yourself homeward bound, you’re fakin’ it on Bleeker Street. Spend some time with old friends (maybe Cecilia, Mrs. Robinson or Richard Cory?) at the zoo or Scarborough Fair. Eventually, you will escape this hazy shade of winter. When you do, come see me and Julio down by the schoolyard.
Libra, Help! Something has been in the way, but don’t cry baby cry. Long, long, long ago you had a hard day’s night. We understand, 8 days a week is too much. It’s ok, things are getting better. Yesterday is past, and together we can work it out. Hey, all you need is love. In the end it’ll come together. P.S. I love you.
Scorpio, You find yourself dissident. Take your gaze off the rearview mirror for a minute and remember who you are. This is not for you. Release. Once you make a wish list, you will escape the deep, black oceans of a life wasted. The marker in the sand will indicate they are gone, and once you come back, you will feel alive. No one needs to save you. After all, you are a better man.
Sagittarius, You find yourself with one foot out the door, wondering, where have all the good times gone? You feel on fire with a loss of control, ready to jump….but when push comes to shove, you get up. You’re good enough. Stop asking why can’t this be love? You have the best of both worlds. Right now you’re unchained, so dance the night away in Panama. Hey, I ain’t talking bout love, just about runnin with the devil.
Capricorn, I can’t explain it. Anyway, anywhere, anyhow, you need to overcome your summertime blues. Remember, love ain’t for keeping. The song is over – it’s your chance to smash the mirror. Getting in tune will be pure and easy. Join together, and together, we won’t get fooled again. Let’s see action, and you are sure to find that bargain upon your eminent front. I’m free, you’re free.Eveyone’s happy.
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