Rockhurst Sentinel

***NOTE Everything in this article is FALSE! It is part of the April Fool's Edition, so it was all made up. Enjoy!***

"Honestly, I didn't know what to do as I passed McGee Hall and saw bears running amuck. I'm just relieved I'm ok really." That was the response from senior Ben Skoch when asked about yesterday's attack on McGee Hall by countless North American Grizzly bears. Skoch placed the initial call to security, who surprisingly reacted promptly by notifying the proper authorities. Many southside OCH students shared this same bewilderment concerning the attack. The bears were first spotted coming from Forest Ave. around 8:30 a.m. early Saturday morning. The grizzlies roared passed the street with determined speed, passing several male students heading back home. "As I walked along the sidewalk from campus, I saw the pack barreling toward me," recalled senior Chris Shaver. "I had no idea what to do. Oddly enough, they just passed me by. It was the oddest thing." The bears proceeded to McGee Hall where they feasted upon girls, in many cases ripping the doors to shreds in order to reach their targets. Authorities have yet to uncover a motive or any explanation as to why grizzly bears would randomly attack McGee Hall and leave several passing males alone. Dr. Robert Vigliotti, local expert on bear-human interactions, commented on the situation. "It's very strange for bears, especially grizzlies, to attack so strategically. Normally, they pursue whatever prey is available - often fish. You could tell with this attack there was something extraordinary. Something was different." The number of girls hurt in the altercation has yet to be discovered, but early reports hold as many as 55 females suffering some type of injury. Many suffered both physical and psychological maladies. Luckily, most residents of McGee walked away unscathed. They heard the frantic announcement from the terrified DA on duty early Saturday morning. Taking the advice, the survivors barricaded their doors. Those injured were not as quick as their peers. Sophomore Joe Eck remembers a run-in he had with one of the bears, "Ya I saw those bears that everyone was freaking out. I on one of my usual early morning strolls as one came out from behind a corner. It was weird. He looked right at me and then ran right past without a second thought." In order to shed some light on the mystery of the female-feasting grizzlies, Rockhurst has called upon the services of famed adventurer and bear communicator Bear Grylls. "I look forward to studying this unique situation," stated Grylls. "But more importantly, I look forward to showing these girls how to survive."

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