Rockhurst Sentinel

The hunt...is...on.

***NOTE Everything in this article is FALSE! It is part of the April Fool's Edition, so it was all made up. Enjoy!***

You may have noticed recently an increase in active behavior of some of our beloved campus animals-both our cats and our squirrels. If you have, you certainly aren't the only ones. Rockhurst Security has logged more cases of squirrels digging up and reburying small round objects that look suspiciously like nuts in the past two months than at any point in the history of the university. Likewise, the Rockhurst cats have increased in both prowling and stalking behaviors. Dr. Steve Irwin, a biologist noted for his work in the area of human resurrection, attributes these factors to one central cause: the squirrels and cats are now at war. Though direct acts of squirrel/cat aggression have been relatively few - despite their active behavior - Dr. Irwin notes that this is probably a proximity issue, saying, "Campus squirrels live mostly on the west side of campus, with their base of operations being the quad. The campus cats, in contrast, center their activity in the area of the townhouses and use the shady spots underneath tightly-parked cars to converge." Though the occasional Rockhurst cat is seen near the building formerly known as Richardson, it is surmised that these are actually scouts on reconnaissance missions for their alliance. If and when actual fighting begins, experts agree that the frontlines will likely be around Bourke Field and Lower Bourke, creating potential safety situation for students living in Corcoran, XL and the townhouses. And thus you must ask the question: What must I do to remain safe in this apparently unsafe area between Troost and the Paseo, and how do I work for peace between cat- and squirrel-kind? The answer is complex. First and foremost, any student wishing to remain safe must carefully refrain for allying with either side. This means that THV residents should not favor the cats that live near them-specifically, do not baby-talk them, try to pet them or throw out anything they might want to eat. McGee residents and anyone who regularly walks through the quad should avoid eye contact with squirrels and should not feed them. Additionally, do not offend either group by, for example, chasing a cat away from your car or collecting acorns from the quad. As far as peace talks, these can only be orchestrated by the warring parties-however, Campus Ministry has agreed to add this plea to the petitions read at all student Masses. Furthermore, Campus Security has stated they are prepared should the peace shift into a violent attack towards students. Money has been set aside to establish a Rockhurst Mews containing no less than 50 full grown hawks to swiftly diminish the population of the warring sides. And so, Rockhurst students, take great care as you proceed to your classes in the following few months. And watch where you step-the Rockhurst cats have been systematically marking their territory.

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