2008 Woodie Awards
Rockhurst debt eliminated!
Free tuition for all students in 08-09
George Parker
Issue date: 4/1/08 Section: News
**note: this story is fictional and for entertainment purposes only. any names and/or quotes are false, even if the person may be real. all plot sequences were made up. enjoy**
Rockhurst University, in the midst of a strategic plan to remove the university from the red, has finally succeeded. And it didn’t require an ounce of fundraising.
“We are truly blessed,” stated Fr. Thomas Curran, President of Rockhurst. “We are eternally grateful for the generous actions of Rich Uncle Pennybags.”
A true story, Curran found himself strolling along the famous Wildwood Boardwalk during a recent trip to the Jersey shore. As he took in the sights and sounds of the nearby amusement piers, Curran was approached by a short, well-dressed gentleman.
“I remember he wore a sharp, black tuxedo with hat and monacle,” recalled Curran. “A cheery fellow, I guess you could say he had a monopoly on his own happiness.”
He stopped me along the boardwalk and exclaimed ‘you’ve passed Go! Congratulations! You collect 2 hundred dollars, and here is a pass for Free Parking!”
Curran further explained the event occurred outside the Go! Restaurant on the Boardwalk. Shellshocked from the experience, he returned to his vehicle with the $200 and free parking pass in hand.
As he redeemed the pass for the day at Park Place, the attendant informed him it was necessary to proceed to New York Avenue where he would receive further instructions.
“It was all so very odd, but my wits refused me not to venture on. I was told if I hit Marvin Gardens I had gone too far, I would be unable to turn around because it’s a one way road.”
At New York Avenue a security guard led the Rockhurst President to a room with a box labeled Community Chest. A note instructed him: ‘Open the chest and gain all its contents. Open the chest and lose all you came with.’
Curran reflected upon what course of action he should take.
“I knew it was risky, but I had to take a chance.
“I opened the chest, and all I saw was an old shoe, an iron, a thimble and a very tiny cannon. As I held the cannon, it fired suddenly and blew a hole in the bottom of the chest.”
In the hole was an assortment of one, five, 10, 20, 50, 100 and rare 200 dollar bills. The total pot amounted to just over $200 million dollars. A note read: ‘Enjoy the wealth, my good friend, but the greatest wealth is that which you share with those around you.’
Curran took this to heart and used the money to eliminate the University’s existing debt and reward students with a year of free tuition.
Concluded Curran, “I think this will stop the water works.”
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