2008 Woodie Awards
RU baseball blackballed by HGH scandal
Max Mercy
Issue date: 4/1/08 Section: Sports
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****This story is entirely false. It is part of the April Fool's edition. Every quote and every facet of the story is entirely made up, for your enjoyment****
A report out of Lawrence, Kan. has revealed several members of the Rockhurst baseball team have tested positive for Human Growth Hormone.
The news comes in the wake of the ongoing epidemic of cheaters in Major League Baseball who have been outed in the past year.
News has sent shockwaves through the team. The coaching staff and university have declined comment until more of the story is revealed.
According to the report a masked man, calling himself the “Roid Avenger”, was responsible for acquiring samples from several members of the team, all without their knowledge or consent.
The Avenger followed several of the players into a bathroom during a recent road trip to Lousville, Ken. Observing several players were drinking a large amount of Gatorade, the Avenger rigged the nearby outhouse with a mechanism that would capture urine samples from each of the players.
Parts of the sample retrieval can be seen via a video camera the Avenger set up inside the stall, though it becomes distorted at times. It still remains unclear how the Avenger kept the samples separate, but the most obvious method remains too disgusting to print.
Speaking on the condition of anonymity, one player provided his memory of the outhouse incident.
“I knew there was something fishy about that stall,” recalled the player. “I kept hearing a gagging sound coming from inside the hole. I didn’t pay it much attention at the time, but maybe I should have…”
Another player, Biff (not real name), provided his reaction to the HGH scandal.
“Did we do it? Well, not all of us, but yea, I did it. And I’d do it again. People just don’t understand the pressures of D-II ball. I mean, there’s a chance a scout could be in the crowd.
“Am I willing to sacrifice my future children for a shot at single A ball? Yea, I think I’d be nuts not to.”
HGH is known as an anabolic substance in that its primary function is the building of strength, energy and bone mass. Its usage is typically deemed for children who have stunted growth, but athletes over the past decade have discovered the substance as a useful helper in bringing them a competitive edge.
“Steroids is bad, mmkay. Um, HGH is bad,” stated well-known counselor Mackey.
Though the true usefulness has yet to be discovered, the main appeal of HGH is in the fact a reliable test is not readily available.
Biff provided a final perspective on the scandal.
“It can’t be all bad, right? I mean, Rocky did it.”
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